Photo with 6 notes
Oh HELL NO!
Who the FUCK do you think you are DUMPING ME!? I have hated you since the beginning, your so dumb I hate all of youre dumb messages. When I think of u Im like please. YOU CAN SUCK A FUCKING DICK YOU STUPID BITHC!
But you know what? I don’t want to stoop to your level. I’m not gonna say mean things. You no why? Because I respect myself to much.
And because I’m in love again. That’s right. You may have tried to throw me away, tear me into pieces and shove me in a dumpster along with all the other hearts you’ve broken, but I can’t be thrown away. I AM NOT A PIECE OF TRASH unlike some1 i know. (i meant you in the last sentence, retard). But I don’t want to say mean things, because I’m not like some1 i know (you again, fucking retard).
Anyways, his name is daddydukes6969 and he’s a 45-year old motorcycle mechanic and part-time middle school wrestling coach. And he loves me. We started messaging back and forth last night after he “winked” at me. Do u know how long its been since I have been WINKED AT?! Weeks! Weeks of my life I gave to YOU!
But it’s okay, because the long wink-less winter is over. Spring has come, and with it, a new man, who loves me just as much as he loves teaching twelve years olds how to wrestle each other in a middle school cafeteria that converts into a gym at night because the school is having some funding problems. That’s right: WE TALK ABOUT THINGS LIKE SCHOOLS HAVING FUNDING PROBLEMS! Because he is an adult, Phyllip! Not a child. Not a little boy who does perfulpture art. I told him you did that and he was like what and I was like I know right?.
Anyway, you’re a horrible cunt who deserves to rot in fucking hell for the misery you have brought into my life. But I don’t want to say mean things. It’s not who I am. So I wish you well.
PS. I’m still just Sebastian to you, with an “i”. It looks dumb when YOU type the 1. So don’t even, okay? Retard.
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Time: April 27th, 2010 - 4:23am
My Dearest Sebast1an,
This is the hardest message I’ve ever had to write. Ever. And that includes the email I wrote to my sister informing her that our father lost his legs in a boating accident.
I feel like our relationship is moving too fast. Maybe I’m freaking out because this is the longest relationship I’ve ever had… On the one hand, I love you soooo much, but on the other hand I feel like I’m losing myself inside of you and our relationship. I know we’ve never actually met, but I’m feeling pulled in too many directions… like a baby bird in the mouth of 3 competing hawks. My wings are fragile, Sebast1an. I need space to let them flap and strengthen.
Ugh. I hate this. I’m literally dying right now. Literally and metaphorically. I keep imagining what your voice sounds like…sometimes it’s soft and delicate, on the verge of tears…and other times it’s like a little gurgly and raspy, and one time I imagined it and you had a lisp and Australian accent…that was so funny. You always know how to make me laugh. I feel like I know you so well, and I think that this relationship…this beautiful, complex, sweet-smelling relationship has helped me grow. But sometimes people grow in different directions, and in our last IM conversation, and your subsequent message, I feel like we’ve grown apart.
Who knows, maybe our paths will cross again on facebook, or nerve.com, or match.com, or connexion.com or whatever. Maybe it won’t. I can do a lot of things, but I can’t dictate the future. It’s something I struggle with everyday.
I’m not sure if this is any conciliation, but I’m creating a perfulpture art piece inspired by the ups and downs of our relationship, it’s called, “11messages: lifetime of growth, love, and understanding.”
Be strong my love. I hope you find you.
PS. Mr. Princess is licking his butthole on my bed again! Hahaha it’s weird how life is so cyclical.
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Time: April 25th, 2010 - 3:03pm
Ring a ding ding!
Long time no talk…because I HATE you! JK I LOVE YOU!
I’ve just been working a ton at the Barrel. But don’t worry, that’s all behind me because I’m no longer legally permitted to enter any one of their retail stores. Long story short, my sister had a baby shower yesterday so I stole some Camea Nesting Totes to give to her as a present. SO SUE ME BITCHES! And they are.
But it’s retarded because those Nesting Totes were over-stock anywayssss. But they still totally turned it into a whole big thing because everyone that works at the Barrel is a total CUNT-face. They made me cry and then I started knocking things off the racks and I accidentally put my foot through a Bamboo Cookware Stand, which is like one of our biggest sellers so my boss Phil totally f-to-the-lipped.
OMGod! I just realized my boss has the same name as you, but with an “i”. Don’t worry, my hate for him does NOT affect my love for you! He’s a total asshole d-bag, for realsies. He’s not even gonna mail me my last check because he said that money needs to go to reimbursing the store for all the Wicker Serving Baskets I threw up in on the way out. I can’t help it, I throw up when I’m stressed out! I’m human.
But my sister’s baby shower was supes fun. She looked really fat, but like GLOWY fat, you know? I want a baby! Seriously, I’m totally baby crazy after that baby shower. All I kept saying the whole shower was “I wish this was MY baby shower, I wish this was about me!”. I think my sister was mad, we don’t get along. She’s retarded.
CHANGE OF SUBJECT!
Let’s get our drinky drink on Friday! I’m free anytime after my court appointment at 4. We could maybe get a drink in the Village? Or maybe we could just rent a movie and stay in ohmygodilovethatideaaaaaaaaaa! What should we watch? Who cares, right? I just want to watch you. I want to watch you sleep, Phyllip. I want to hold you all night, and never let you go. I want to hold you so tight and for so long that you feel that you can’t breathe and right as you think your literally going to die, I want to kiss you and give you my breath so that you may go on living!
That totes just gave me a boner!
Alright talk to you soon, fagtard! JK! Your not a fagtard.
Sebast1an (im doing that now)
Post with 5 notes
WonderPhyl: if we were together right now i’d sing you a song
WonderPhyl: i’d find a random object in the room and turn it into an instrument…and start playing and then let my feelings dictate my words
neversettle_01: oh my god, that is wonderful
WonderPhyl: lemme try now, without you here
WonderPhyl: ok…i found a sheet of paper…i’m going to play that.
neversettle_01: ok ill listen
WonderPhyl: round in circles we all go/
fighting tyrranny of our past/
faster and faster we turn/
oh cru-el world. oh cru-el world./
you see into me/
i see into you./
we see into/
neversettle_01: i love you
neversettle_01: oh god im sorry
neversettle_01: i mean i just was really moved by the song
neversettle_01: im such a fucking idiot im such a dumb fucking shit face idiot neversettle_01: i was just feeling a lot, i didnt mean to say i love oyu
neversettle_01: FUCK GFUCK FUCk
neversettle_01: SHIT FUCK
neversettle_01: im a piece of shit im a piece of dirty fucking shitty shit
neversettle_01: i ruined a good thing i wanna kill myself
WonderPhyl: hey…my clay is ready…i’m here. shhhh. shhhhh… i’m here. i’m here
neversettle_01: oh! LOLOLOLOLOL i was like where is he?! :) :) :)
WonderPhyl: i think i love you too
neversettle_01: im so glad to here that
neversettle_01: can i say it again?
neversettle_01: i love you.
WonderPhyl: i love you.
WonderPhyl: i want to dance on a mountain!!!!
neversettle_01: i want to take you to that mountain so that you may dance!
WonderPhyl: I LOVE YOU SEBASTIAN…wait…what’s your last name?
WonderPhyl: I LOVE YOU SEBASTIAN BUTTER!!!!!!!!!
neversettle_01: whats youre last name
WonderPhyl: i just go by Phyl. or Phyllip. i had it legally changed to just the one name WonderPhyl: i don’t like to be confined by a last name…ya know?
neversettle_01: yeah TOTALLY
neversettle_01: ugh my roommates home and shes crying, i think its cuz her boyfriend killed himself last week
neversettle_01: so i think i have to go help her
WonderPhyl: ok. keep breathing and finding love within
neversettle_01: ill try
neversettle_01: keep being my everything
WonderPhyl: you’re beautiful.
WonderPhyl: i love you
neversettle_01: you’re beautiful.
neversettle_01: i love you
neversettle_01: GOODNIGHTTTT SLUT!
Post with 6 notes
April 20th - 4:19 AM
WonderPhyl: OMG i was JUST gonna IM you!!!!!!!
neversettle_01: this is so much better than messaging back and forth
WonderPhyl: i know. it’s nice to get a sense of rhythm with you
neversettle_01: im gonna be honest, im sort of tipsy on wine my roommates are gofne and ive just been dancing and drinking wine im crazzy
WonderPhyl: LOLOLOL you’re such a lush!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
neversettle_01: STOP IT I AM NOT OK I AM JKJKLOL
neversettle_01: are you there?
neversettle_01: PHYL! im kidding im not a lush
neversettle_01: like i dont drink all the time PHYL WHERE R U?!!!!!
WonderPhyl: i’m here. i won’t leave you!
WonderPhyl: i was checking on my clay…i’m moistening up for a sculpture
WonderPhyl: i’m gonna sculpt while we chat
neversettle_01: oh LOL, i was going crazy! what are you sculpting? or do you not know yet?
WonderPhyl: i’m gonna let my creativity dictate. i want it to be about passion, though. and anger. and apathy. and like, i dunno, inspiration or something
neversettle_01: i CAN NOT be creative tonight, i tried and tried
neversettle_01: i sat in the bath for like 45 minutes and i was trying to just think of things that moved be but they never came
WonderPhyl: i can help you be creative :) :) :) i’ll be your sensai
neversettle_01: hahah LOLOLOLOLOLOL sensai? ahahah so funny! thats not even a word!
neversettle_01: oh wait
neversettle_01: IS sensai a word?
neversettle_01: i think ive heard that word before actually
neversettle_01: im so dumb
WonderPhyl: no. you’re beautiful
neversettle_01: thank you for seeing that
WonderPhyl: it’s like you’re a baby butterfly bursting forth into the universe
neversettle_01: i was just saying that to my roommate the other day
neversettle_01: i was crying to my reflection in the bathroom
neversettle_01: and she was like “sebastian i need to get in there to blow dry my hair”
neversettle_01: and she was being all cunty
neversettle_01: and i said something about how i was a baby butterfly trying to make my way in the world and she was clipping my wings1!!
neversettle_01: i wish you had been there
WonderPhyl: wow. i wish i was there too. i would hold you and fluff your wings. let them expand and flap
WonderPhyl: i want you to fly Sebastian
neversettle_01: i dont know if i can anymore
neversettle_01: i could once
WonderPhyl: that makes me so sad.
neversettle_01: ive been through a lot, sometimes i dont even know why ur talking to me
neversettle_01: im like here is this guy who i havent met, but who is the best person that has ever lived, why does he want to be with me?
neversettle_01: i mean hes a perfulpture artist! he can get anyone he wants!!!!
WonderPhyl: thank you for those kind words
WonderPhyl: *wipes tear from your cheek
WonderPhyl: i’m with you because i see and feel something deep in you. a flickering flame of fire. passion
neversettle_01: well i think i have to nighty night but i hate to say goodbye!
neversettle_01: dont forget my while i sleep
WonderPhyl: Goodnight sweet prince, may angles fly thee to peace!
Photo with 6 notes
Time: April 16th, 2010 - 3:28am
Ding Dong! It’s Me!!!!!!!!!! =)=)=)
Well first of all, thank you thank you thank you for sharing yourself and your sorrow with me. it’s so rare that someone is so open and honest and real. i seek out the real, and i’m grateful that i found it in you. it’s like this world has hidden diamonds buried deep in the soil and they’re protected by barbed wire, a mexican with a gun and an electrical forcefield that will shock you and kill you if you touch it, but somehow the universe cut the barbed wire, blinded the mexican, and turned off the forcefield in order to let me uncover this one very special diamond (you).
I always say, “When someone punches you in the face because you’re gay, let him stab you in the stomach as well.” i know that’s easier said than done, but it’s so easy to run away from our fears. i can tell that you don’t run. you stand there and let someone hate crime you. i really appreciate that. if we keep running, we’ll never move forward as a society.
i hope this isn’t weird, but i created a Perfulpture art piece inspired by your molestations. i can’t stifle my instincts, and when i read about your sorrow and your molestations, i just had to turn it into beauty. For the sculpture part, I used tissues and tissue boxes (to symbolize your tears) and for the performance part i choreographed a movement piece around the sculpture symbolizing strength - the only text is “MolestNO” repeated over and over again…so when it’s all together you can’t tell if i’m saying “MolestNO” or “NOMolest.” it’s 3 hours long. i’d love to perform it for you sometime.
Thank you for inspiring me.
OMG my cat, Mr. Princess is licking his butthole right now on my bed! hahahahaha ewww….it’s like get a room!!! we’re close, but not THAT close. i wish you were here to see this. we’d be laughing so hard, and i would say, “Mr. Princess!!!! We have COMPANY!!!” And then we’d laugh, and then we’d stop laughing and stare at each other, into each other’s eyes, our souls connecting, a little timid, but both excited. then i would lean forward slowly and tenderly start to explore and taste your lips. and then Mr. Princess would start licking his butthole again and we’d both start laughing so hard!!!! hahaha
WHHEEENNNN ARE WE GONNA GET OUR DRINKALINKY DRINK DRINK?!?!
Ok, i’m gonna go take Mr. Princess for a walk in the park…i got him the cutest little leash!! it’s bright pink…and he’s hairless, so it really stands out!
i love that i’m knowing you,
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Time: April 15th, 2010 - 11:58pm
Just wanted to say hiiiiiiii. Today’s been a pretty rough day. I was hate-crimed on the sidewalk coming out of Crate & Barrel. Some guy walked by me and called me faggot, and I was like “whatever, your the faggot” and then he punched me in the face.
But its okay, I guess ive had a lot of sorrow in my life. here r a few examples:
1. I was hate-crimed today in front of that Crate & Barrel.
2. My grandma died a couple years ago. She was driving the wrong way down a one-way street when she died of complications from her lupus.
3. When I was really little, my uncle used to molest me. I know that’s a sort of a weird thing to tell someone I’ve never met, but I feel like part of getting past the molestation is talking about it. Which is why I try and tell every person I ever talk to on here about how much I was molested. Which was forty-three times. Well, forty-four, but that’s probably a better in-person conversation. Totes remind me to tell you about that 44th time I was molested when we meet!
4. I was supposed to go to the Lady Gaga concert in February but then had to babysit.
Annnnyway. I think that’s a good sampling of my sorrow to get a sense of what I’m about. And you know what? I wouldn’t trade any of those experiences for anything in the world. Except maybe the Lady Gaga concert. I wish I could have gone to that. Because the kid I was babysitting drowned that night and it was a whole big thing, plus I heard her concerts are like AMAZING. But my sorrow is a part of me; it’s as much a part of me as my bones, my hair, my breath.
Let’s DEFFFFFF get a drinky drink sometime. Maybe next week? I would love to meet you in person and see that performance art sculpture project you mentioned - im crying just thinking about it. Plus, I need to meet you in person so I can stop just looking at your profile pics over and over again - im not a stalker i swear!!! <3 <3 <3
i think im starting to fall in love with u,
ps. did you know your user name sort of looks like the word “wonderful”? weird, right? im probably looking too much into it, but im an artist and its my job to kind of see things that aren’t really there on the surface. my user name is lame. i really wanted “neversettle” but it was taken so i had to just go with “neversettle_01”. whatever.
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Time: April 15th, 2010 - 5:23am
wow. just wow. what a great read.
i don’t think you’re crazy for wandering. i think it’s beautiful. i think it’s important to give into the energy of this city. it’s like we’re a newly fallen leaf and the city is the breath of the universe. just blowin’ us around in its whimsy. do you believe in god? i believe in like the energy of god… like fate…
i really want to meet your friends they sound sooo crazy! i’m sure they are if you picked them hehehehe. but maybe we don’t pick our friends… maybe they pick us…
My friends are retarded, but like in a good way. A bunch of them came over tonight to create. It was intense and fulfilling. We’re working on a multi-sensory, multi-media exhibition that’s going up in my apt in a couple weeks. I’m working on a new Perfulpture Art Piece (mix b/t Performance and Sculpture) which has been pretty intense. The title is “Natural/Unnatural/Natural Self? Yes. Maybe. No.” So to answer your question, the journey of this piece makes me cry AND shiver! You should def come by for the opening. I’d love to share it with you.
so when we getting our drinky drink on???? i want to get to know you, sebastian… like really know know you, and have you know me, ya know?
before we meet, though, i just want to tell you a couple things…not to get too serious or anything, but i feel like i know you already, ya know?
1. when i fall, i fall hard…
2. my inner me is burried in scar tissue…i need surgeon’s hands to find it and scoop it out… (i know you’re a painter, but maybe you have DR hands HEHEHEHE)
3. i am beautiful…
that’s all… i dunno… just, ya know…
have a beautiful sleep…
PS CATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you can totally pretend i’m a cat. i won’t mind ;)
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Time: April 15th, 2010 - 4:01am
Yesterday was great, I had the day off because I didn’t have any nurseries to paint and I’m still in training at Crate & Barrel so I’m not on the schedule full time. (btw, I have yet to see a single crate OR barrel at that store. Who buys barrels anyways, right!?! I said that to one of the assistant managers and she was laughing really hard, she was like, “haha i never thought of it like that b4”. so i think its gonna be a fun place to work.)
So yesterday I mostly just wandered. I didn’t have anything to do, so I just let the city tell me where to go. I guess Im sort of weird like that LOL you think Im sooooo crazy dont you? Well, youre sort of right. All my friends are always like “sebastian, you are so crazy you dont even know” and iM like “please, IM crazy? YOURE crazy!”
newaysssssies, you have to meet my friends some time. they are crazy.
we should TOTALLY get a drink sometime. you seem cute and down-to-earth and just like really down-to-earth and cute.
what else about me? oh, i love cats! i have three cats and they are my life-blood. theyre like people. i know a lot of people say that, but one of my cats is actually a person. i just call him my cat. i dont think he likes that, hes moving out at the end of the month.
r u a cat person? what makes you cry? what makes you shiver?
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Time: April 14th, 2010 - 11:58pm
you seem amazing.
I’m on a journey to me as well. hehe This city is pretty crazy, right? I mean, I feel like there is so much energetic commotion bouncing around off all the steel and concrete, like a thousand bouncy balls all jumpin’ around and bouncing faster and higher and harder and harder….i’m just trying to breathe and focus on the now. be present and enjoy the bounce i’m on. Sounds like you can probably relate ;)
I would def love to get a drink with you at some point. What’s your favourite watering-hole? how’s your weekend been so far? can you believe monday is already here? are you painting nurseries tomorrow? which Crate and Barrel do you work at? Do you get a discount? Whats your dream job? sorry for all the questions hehehehehehe. can’t you tell i’m excited!?!?!
Ok, i’m feeling inspired, i’m gonna go work on a sculpture.
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